It's time to fast yet again, and this year, instead of approaching it with a sense of dread, I've been looking forward to it. I have an overweight body and an underweight soul, both of them are hungry and have no sense of control. (Yes, the rhyme was intentional!) And so, here I am, settling back into the rhytym of early brekkies, late dinners, and NOTHING inbetween except daily routine, extra prayer and extra study.

I can't say that I've achieved a lot during the past year. I've got a year older, learnt a little Arabic, become a bit better at my job. I've become closer to my Dad, sister and husband. I've quit trying to "buy the world", and so have been able to acquire things that benefit more than just myself. We've been to England to see my hubby's family, and for my needed "London fix". And that's it, really.

I've spent much less time online, mainly because I just got tired of reading all the negative crap comments on media sites that follow articles about or by Muslims. The On Faith section of the Washington Post, which has an article on Ramadan fasting this morning, is a good example. For all the screaming about intolerance that Muslims supposedly have, there is an awful lot of vitriol posted by the other side. And stilll, the explanations of genuine practicing Muslims are either disregarded or derided as outright lies by those who prefer to hold on to their prejudices rather than open their minds or hearts to any other possibility than what they're fed by the paranoid fear mongers of the media and religious world. And I also must say, that many of our Muslim brothers and sisters DO NOT HELP THE SITUATION with their bad behaviour. Suicide bombings, "honour killings", fatwas of hatred claiming that Sunnis are permitted (if not obligated) to kill Shi'as....this is NOT ISLAM, and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE! If we ourselves do not believe and practice the truth of our beautiful religion, then how can we expect non-Muslims to believe the truth of what we say when we speak about Islam as peace, submission, tolerance, sharing and support, love and salvation?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.....If anyone teaches hate in the Name of God, no matter what name they call God, no matter what religion they claim to be a member of, then they are NOT teaching the truth.

Part of the reason there are "violent" parts of holy books (and there is violence, often senseless, in nearly every holy book out there...the Bible, the Quran are included) is to bring home the reason that mankind must curb violent behaviour. It is to point out how horrendous it is, and to show where limits must be. Self-defense is nearly always allowed, but that is the limit. Full stop. And the reason why it says in the Bible, "Vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord", is because people get it wrong nearly all the time, so it's best to leave "payback" to the One Who Knows Best. Which means, simply, that for human beings, the only option should be compassion. It's the only thing that causes no harm, and is applicable in all circumstances. Justice practiced without compassion becomes tyranny, torture, or worse. War without compassion becomes an attack on even the innocent, and causes one to forget that only war in self-defense is permissible. Compassion in the face of anger can shame the person in the wrong into change (how many times did Jesus (pbuh) do this?) and causes any blame to depart from the one practicing compassion. Life without compassion results in the need to attack, to defend, the letting loose of man's darker side, self-destruction and more.

Compassion is the only option. Correct your brother and sister before they go wrong, and correct your brother and sister after they do wrong. But do it with compassion, without evil intentions, and without hatred in your heart. The Christians teach "hate the sin, love the sinner." This is compassion in the face of wrong-doing.

Now if we would all just do it.

Myself included.

Peace be with you all. And for my Muslim brothers and sisters, Ramadan Mubarak, and may your fasting be easy.

The second year, I lasted 2 days before ending up in the ER. The third year, I lasted 3 days, and remember nearly crawling across the floor to the 'fridge to grab a yoghurt and an apple.

The issue: hypoglycemia. Or so I was repeatedly told. And so, I gave up on the idea of fasting, and did other things to make up for it, such as charity, being extra diligent about behaviour and company and whereabouts and prayer, etc.

But this year was different. And here's a BIG part of the reason why.

Last year, a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She had been misdiagnosed and fobbed off for so many years that it was advanced when someone finally figured out that it wasn't "being old, being arthritic, part of the lingering effects of a stroke, fatty tumours, etc. etc." When they FINALLY got around to doing more than a standard chest x-ray, and then actually did a biopsy on the huge lump she had in her neck, the doctors had more than an "oh shit" moment. More than 7 years of complaints, and finally, FINALLY, someone figured out that it wasn't COPD, but lung cancer. And it was everywhere.

My mother had her first chemo session 2 days before Thanksgiving. Two days after Thanksgiving, she was in hospital after she collapsed at home. She spent the next 2 and a half months in hospital, and another 3 weeks in rehab before she came home... on her 78th birthday. She nearly died, time and again. First too much chemo (her first treatment was nearly 3 times the usual dosage), then bad heparin (Baxter later recalled contaminated heparin), then overmedication from pain meds (thank God for a doctor Borges who redid her meds and saved her life!). The nurses were either fabulous or fireable, depending on the day. There was more than one time when my dad, sister and I were raising hell at the nurses' station because Mum had either been neglected or mistreated or mismedicated.

We watched her go from a vegetable that the hospital wanted to shift to hospice (who didn't want to take her because they were afraid she'd live longer than 6 weeks!) so she could die, to a woman who walked out of rehab on her own power 3 months later when she finally got the right treatment. We watched her go back through chemo, in and out of hospital and rehab again thanks to CDIF, watched her go through gamma knife surgery to remove brain lesions. And she did all of this with courage, and even at times, grace.

Two and a half weeks before her death on the 31st of July, she did go to hospice, with the expectation that they would get her pain under control, and send her home. It was supposed to be 3 days. Then it was a week. Then 2. And then, it was over. She was adamant that my husband and I go on our holiday, we all expected her to be home by the time we got back. I was in an Elton John concert the evening she died. When we got back to the hotel and I saw the message light flashing on the phone in the room, I didn't even have to think about what it concerned.

My mother didn't want a memorial, or a funeral. She wanted cremation, and to be scattered over an area that she loved.

I watched her go through SO much, just to preserve her physical life. She did it many days in severe pain, and most days with a smile on her face. I got to take her out on the last shopping trip she went on, just 2 days before she went into hospice. It was a fun day out.

After seeing all that, how could I not take the challenge of Ramadan? After watching someone go through so much to preserve an earthly life, how could I pass up the chance to do SO LITTLE to preserve my eternal one? My friends remarked that it was a lot to ask, 30 days of no food or drink during 14 hours of daylight. In reality, how little, how VERY LITTLE it is that Allah asks of us during Ramadan. So little.

And so, I was determined to make it all the way through. I read whatever I could find about hypoglycemia and fasting, and followed the advice I found. Yes, I was hungry. Yes, I was thristy, Yes, I was tired. Yes, I was caffeine deprived. And some days I was all 4 at the same time, which was really when the challenge hit.

And I would pray. And I would think about my mum and how she made it through her ordeal until there was no ordeal left.

And I made it through the daylight hours until sunset. And from 1 Ramadan, until Ramadan was over.

Through my mother, I Iearnt just how tough a human being can be. And through Ramadan, I learnt just how NOT fragile I am. I learnt where my weak spots are, where I give in when I don't have to, what I can do to be stronger.

My mother's test came late in her life, and became the end of her life. I pray that it is a test that I never have to take.

But the test of Ramadan is one that I will now take over and over again. Until whatever comes, comes.

May Allah be pleased with my mother. May Allah be pleased with all of us, and have mercy and compassion on all of His creation.

Happy Holidays and celebrations to all of my readers who will be celebrating: Eid, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Sohain, Diwali, the Birth of the Bab, and numerous holy days that  I have failed to mention.

As Red Skelton and Dave Allen said: "May God bless", and "May your God go with you."

Blessings.

More later..... after I eat!

Blessings!

"The maghrib alarm has gone off", I told my husband the other evening.

"What?"

"The maghrib alarm....I can hear the tree frogs, so it's time for evening prayers."

"Oh."

I had started noticing this fact a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't really conscious at first. Just the once in a while mental note that as I was making Iqamah I could hear the tree frogs outside the window. One evening, it occured to me to check the time for maghrib prayer and the tree frogs singing against my prayer schedule. Same time. Again the next evening, and the next. So far, the only night it's been wrong in the past couple of weeks has been the few days we were inundated by Tropical Storm Fay, when the little fellows were probably too wet and scared to do much of anything except cling to a tree.

There are also "fajr birds", those annoying mockingbirds, that seem to come to voice just before dawn. When we first moved into our house, it sounded like the phone was ringing about 30 minutes or so every morning before the alarm clock would go off. It drove me crazy until I figured out what it was, because the first few mornings I DID go to answer the phone. I still call them phone birds: wake up, Allah's calling!

Soon, there will be the sign of the new moon, and Ramadan will begin. In my 14 years of being Muslim, I have yet to make it through a full Ramadan fast. I have been severly hypoglycemic over the past 15 years or so, and a late meal has been known to nearly knock me to the ground, let alone a missed one. But I'll probably be tempted to try it again. Can I get past what are simply the signs of hunger and see if it's only that this time? Or will I let fear set me up for failure again, which is sometimes what I feel actually happens when I push meals off on a normal day (it's LATE! I'm going to DIE! (the heart races) SEE! I TOLD YOU!!!... is this panic or real?)

The little mental note in the back of my mind reads, "Try again."

That might be a sign. Wish me luck.

Blessings.

And an easy Fast to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

But God had other plans, and on Thursday, when I walked into the hotel room and saw the flashing message light, I didn't even have to think about what it was for.

Growing up, I had a real love-hate relationship with my mum. She "had issues" as we say now, and they made her insecure, sometimes shrewish, often selfish.... traits that I also have learnt, and thankfully learnt to identify before they get more than a few words/actions into gear. When we first found out that not only did she have cancer, but that it was already stage 4+, I started to grieve then. I knew that it would be less than a year, and that it could get VERY ugly before it was over. I went through the "Oh shit, my mother is going to DIE!" to the "I didn't really ever even like her anyway", to deciding I DID really like her, and then just being sad for her that it was going to be so hard. Chemo. Radiation. Gamma knife. PET scan, MRI, X-ray, bone scan...over and over again.

There were good days... I took her out to shop for clothes just a few days before she went into hospice, and she was hurting but otherwise feeling quite well. And there were bad days.... early on, just after her first chemo treatment, she nearly died from what one doctor thought was over-medication which made her look and act like she had only a few days. People at the hospital were wanting to wearhouse her out to hospice at that point, and had we not all rallied around her, I imagine that it would have happened. And that it would have been a premature end for her.

She got out of hospital and rehab 10 weeks later, on her 78th birthday.

The past 5 years or so we had quite a different relationship from what we had when I was a kid. We could actually talk without one of us bursting into tears or screaming in anger. "I'm so glad we get along now", she said that last day we went shopping. "I guess we both just had to get older", I answered back. "Yep, and I'm glad we did it fast, I was beginning to lose patience", she said.

It was a long way from several years ago, when thinking about what the Prophet (pbuh) said, that heaven is at the feet of the mother. "He didn't know my mother!" was my first thought. But then again, maybe he "did". One thing that Islam taught me is that respect and loving attention are due some relationships even if you don't want to do it. In the winning video from Link TV last year, one of the people in the video is holding up a sign that reads "I visit my parents every weekend....even though they drive me INSANE!" I KNOW that feeling! But even acting out of obligation rather than affection, evetually, it led to the affection that I should have had as a kid. I grew to respect and even love my parents. Finally.

I miss my mum. But I know that she's moved on to the next life, and that her body no longer is in unendurable pain.

And so although I mourn her loss, I do so also with a sense of relief for her.

And I know I'll see her when it's my turn to cross over.

Blessings.

Muslim Channels was recently written about in the Press Enterprise, a newpaper based in Southern California.

Go visit, and take a look at the videos and forums and join us. EVERYONE is welcome, regardless of faith.

I would like to take a minute to ask people that if you do post video material there, PLEASE make sure you have the rights to the material you post, or permission from the copyright owner. Although MuslimChannels is a non-profit organisation, the fewer YouTube and Google video-type hassels they have, the better.

Salaams, y'all!

What I have in the works is a book about religious conversion. It's NOT a how-to, or a you-should, but more of a reasons why people convert, how their friends and loved ones handle it, why it goes well when it does and why it goes badly when it does. I have it sketched out tentatively as a 3-part work: 1 for converts, 1 for their families et al, and 1 for ministers.

I would like some volunteers to take part in the data gathering. I have a questionnaire set up that asks about what religion you grew up in, how devout you were, what did you convert to, when and why... that sort of thing. Any contact info I ask for is ONLY for follow-up, and any identifying info will be stripped out. If you have family members that would like to take the family portion of the data gather, that would be more than fabulous. And if your minister/rabbi/imam/priest or other leader would like to take part as well, very cool! (The minister's portion isn't about you, it's more a general idea of how they approach conversion.)

The reason I think this project is a good idea is that, as a convert (and a multiple one at that), there have been very smooth transitions, and VERY bumpy ones. When I was a minister myself, I heard more horror stories about conversion than I did about great ones. There are a lot of dynamics in changing religions, and the convert themself is only one out of several. The way they all interact can make for a dream or a nightmare.

Like I said above, it's NOT a book about how to convert, or why anyone should. Personally, when someone talks to me about wanting to convert from one faith to another I usually try to discourage them. It's not that I have anything against moving from one path to another (like I said, I'm a repeat offender!) but often it seems people think they should convert to something else because they feel stuck, they don't understand their "native" faith and haven't been able to find answers, or they object to one or more tenants and decide they can't remain... and then often find one or more tenants in their new faith that bother them as much, or even more. So I usually encourage giving full involvement to one's faith path before deciding to switch to another, because you still take yourself with you when you convert!

 If this sounds like something you'd like to take part in, drop me a line through the email thingy here at the blog. I'll give you more of the details at that point, and if it still sounds good, then I'll send the questionnaire.

Hope to hear from you!

Blessings,

DefSufi

This venture is an extension of the already well established site Muslim Bridges, which has provided Muslim content aimed at interfaith dialogue since 2006.

The founders of Muslim Bridges felt the need to establish a Muslim version of YouTube due to the political and social climate present on YT. We all know that there are many anti-Islam/anti-Muslim agitators out there, and there appeared to be several well organised groups of them trawling through YouTube, as they do on many other social sites. Many Muslim bloggers, webshop holders, website holders of various kinds from mosque sites to peace and political sites have had to contend with hackers, spammers, spoofers, and worse. Many Muslim users appear to have had their original content disappear from YT for no reason, or seen it hacked, derided, or wrongfully reported as offensive or infringing just because the viewer did not agree with the point of view of the content. It is hoped that Muslim Channels will help to alleviate some of these difficulties and provide a safe place for young and new Muslims as well as ANYONE of ANY faith who wants to participate in an online community founded on cooperation and understanding.

I had the pleasure of formulating the Golden Rules for their "Say No to Islamophobia" forum section, and hope that they will see fit to let me continue working with them. I hope that you'll take the time to check out both of their sites, and maybe upload some video of your own.

Blessings to all, and a Happy Fourth of July to US Citizens, residents and ex-pats everywhere!

The truth is that I've been busy, and my spiritual life has been dry. I'm slogging through the days of dhikr, feeling a bit in the desert, and so there's nothing juicy to impart to anyone at the moment. I'm just working at scrubbing off the present layer from my soul.

I've also been thinking about mundane things, mostly politics. I am disheartened at the State of the Union, and disenchanted at the selection of presidential candidates that we will see on the ballot in November. I fear the if McCain becomes President, we will see not only the US staying many more years in Iraq, but also see US troops in Iran (same with Clinton, and perhaps Obama), and the reinstitution of the draft. And then we will lose the next generation or two to needless killing.

So over the past few months, I have re-opened my books on US Constitutional law, learned the fine points of differentiation between isolationism and non-intervention, read a bit more of the Founding Fathers, etc. etc. And I've come to a decision.

After a few years of blogging on religious, social and political matters, I’ve decided to spin my socio/political meanderings off to its own home. As any of you who have read DefSufi, you know that I am a Ron Paul kind of gal. And so, I’ve joined in with the second phase of his movement, The Campaign For Liberty. If you’re an American interested in keeping your civil rights, getting BIG government off your back, and setting the country on a course that will make a difference instead of getting more of the same  we’ve had for the past several administrations, take a peek.  You might find yourself making a difference!

Yes, DefSufi will still be here. If you care to read my commentary on religion and religio-social issues, this will be the place to be. I will try to focus more on the Ummah, and the implications of Islam on society and of society on Islam. There will be the occasional political rant here, I'm sure, as religion and politics seem to be intertwined in this day and age, no matter what religion, no matter what brand of politics.

If you care to read political and socio-political comments, the see me at Saluting Magpies.  I have an idea about it also becoming a resource for constitutional issues, Ron Paul issues, and civil rights issues in general, but who knows what will actually happen. As most bloggers know, sometimes a blog becomes a "personality" of its own, and branches into something unforeseen.

I hope to see you there. And I hope to still see you here.

Peace and blessings,

DefSufi